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There have always been men on the "down low," self-described straight men who have sex with other men. Problem is, the HIV threat makes the deception of these brothers disturbing, deadly--and just low-down. In part two of our special report (see the July 2004 issue for part one), we take a look at the modern down-low phenomenon and what it means for us. Less than a year ago, it seemed as if all I could do was stress about whether or not I would meet Mr. Right, start a family and create my own American Dream. Like so many college-educated, professional Black women, I was single, childless and totally unhappy about it. My girlfriends and I would routinely lament the fact that the brothers we knew were either noncommittal, no good, penniless, going after the White girls--or all of the above.

These days our conversations are more urgent: Instead of talking "man shortage," we're discussing the "down low," a phenomenon that has sparked a nationwide conversation in Black America. The notion of our boyfriends and husbands being unfaithful is disconcerting enough, but the idea of our men cheating on us with other men is totally beyond our realm of thinking. As a Black woman, I have yet to completely process what is going on, and frankly, I'm not sure if I possess the emotional tools needed to decipher this very confusing moment in African-American history.

Perhaps worse, the challenges we face as Black women who are navigating the rocky--and now deadly waters of relationships have become fodder for the American media to dissect and sensationalize. The day after The New York Times ran a front-page article about the rise in HIV infections among African-American women, my in-box was filled with E-mail from sisters around the country who are afraid, angry and suspicious. We're unsure about what to do now that we know there's a possibility that our boyfriends and husbands could be closeted homosexuals carrying HIV. I am now terrified after reading the Times article, and my fear manifests itself in curious ways. I no longer make eye contact with attractive men because I'm afraid that perhaps they're living life on the down low. I spend hours scrolling through my internal directory of past boyfriends, frantically trying to pick out the closeted bisexuals. While riding the subway, I try to identify the men who might have a trace of the DL syndrome. In a word, I am obsessed.

A day after the article appeared, I watched TV's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit that featured a cheating African-American husband who infected his wife with HIV after sleeping around--with other men. Within minutes, my cell phone rang and it was one of my girls yelling, "Can you believe this shit?" The following week, Oprah did a show about the DL, featuring J.L. King, an author and down-low brother who is now speaking out, as well as several men--in shadow--discussing their bisexual exploits. As a single woman, I never thought it would come to this.

I can't help believing that most men who have sex with men on the DL are simply too ashamed or too afraid to admit that they are actually homosexual. Regardless of how far we have come as a people, the stigma associated with homosexuality is still too much for some men. "Black men are not supposed to be attracted to other men," says Phill Wilson, executive director of the Black AIDS Institute in Los Angeles. "When a young man notices that he has that attraction, he has no place to explore it. Every message he gets tells him to lie about this."

While it's okay for our hairdressers, makeup artists, stylists, interior decorators and clothing designers to be gay, too many Black folks still believe that men who have sex with men are somehow less than masculine. So instead of facing alienation from their families and loved ones, these men, albeit selfishly, choose to forge lasting relationships with women and conduct sexual relationships with men on the side. "Black men on the DL are still struggling to come to terms with their sexuality," says Leslie Morris, a director at the National Association of Community Health Centers.

I understand the complexities of being Black and gay in America. Still, shame and social stigma don't make it okay for men on the DL to cheat on their female partners, especially when those liaisons are infecting Black women with HIV. "The reality is that gay people exist in our community," says Kevin Powell, author of Who's Gonna Take the Weight: Manhood, Race, and Power in America (Three Rivers Press). "But any form of sexual dishonesty is destructive to our community, especially in the age of AIDS."

The greater reality is that we have always had gay men and lesbians in the population, and there have always been gay men who married or had relationships with women, but remained down low. So the question becomes, Why now does it seem that so many more Black men are secretly choosing to have sex with other men? Part of the answer has to do with the oversexualization of American culture in general. Today any child old enough to reach for the remote can be bombarded with sexual images of video girls shaking their booties, showing their boobs or otherwise displaying sex set to music.

Then we have the lyrics of the music itself, with rappers telling women to "show me what you're working with" or listing all the defiling things that are going to be done to them once they do show what they're working with. By the time a boy reaches 18, he is already desensitized to both the sexual act and the feelings of women. It's no wonder that as our men become sexually desensitized, it takes more to stimulate them physically. (How many times can you watch a thrusting pelvis before it stops having any meaning?) They start to crave sex that may be a bit more risky and a lot more lewd as the ante is upped on what will satisfy them. Gay or not, men on the DL are wanting--and getting--"their freak on," by engaging in a kind of sex that most women simply find hard to stomach.

According to Wilson, some of these guys don't really care that they may be infecting sisters with HIV. "Some Black men are taught that sex is solely about individual pleasure," he says. "From their point of view, they don't have to worry about their partners."

Not only do many of the lyrics in rap music encourage our men to practice sex as sport, but also much of the culture of rap glorifies the gangsta and thug life found in prison, where sex with men is the norm, not the exception. Based on recent statistics, an estimated one in three Black males will go to prison sometime in his life. If you suspect that many of these men are having sex with other men while in prison, you are not wrong. But unfortunately, the chances are quite slim that when they're released, these men will admit they ever had sex with other men while they were in prison, says one brother who spent 15 years incarcerated for a crime he was later cleared of committing. "Once you become part of the prison culture, that lifestyle becomes a part of you," he says. "You start to enjoy it, and it's very difficult to go back to wanting sex with only women." As so much of hip-hop culture imitates the swaggering style of inmates--from the do rag to the low riding baggy pants of the prison uniform to "turning a brother out"--it shouldn't be surprising that some of the toughest talking, baddest-acting gangsta rappers have been suspected of sexing other men.

Brothers, my message is simple: Do not cheat on me with other men and think it doesn't matter because you only crave male contact once or twice a year. Do not say you love me and then accept a blow job from a man behind my back. Whether you're gay, on the down low, or occasionally just like to get your freak on with a big dude who looks like you, it all boils down to the same thing; If you have sex with men and then lie about it, your dishonesty can be fatal to me. Let me be clear. I am incensed by the dramatic numbers of African American women being infected with HIV, mainly from men who sleep around with other men. Now that the down low isn't such a secret anymore, I hope these brothers will find it in their hearts to be honest--if not for themselves, then for the sake of saving the lives of those women who love them.

Taigi Smith is a network television producer and editor of Sometimes Rhythm, Sometimes Blues: Young African Americans on Love, Relationships, Sex, and the Search for Mr. Right (Seal Press).

the new rules of engagement

We may get angry at brothers who are living on the down low. We may be furious that we've been lied to and cheated on. But the reality is that rather than focusing on being mad--or trying to figure out who's on the DL and who's not--we need to take care of ourselves. Remember that HIV is much more easily passed from a man to a woman than from a woman to man, so it's up to each of us to protect ourselves every time we have sex. Here are five must-do tips from our experts:

KNOW YOUR HIV STATUS

Get an HIV test, and make sure you know your partner's status. If you're seeing someone new, before the clothes come off and the condom goes on, get tested together. And now it's easier than ever. This year the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a rapid test for HIV. You and your partner can go to the doctor together and get your results in as little as 20 minutes. "Getting tested must be part of our dating ritual," says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., author of What Your Mother Never Told You About S-e-x (Perigee). She's not kidding.

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT A CONDOM

Aside from abstinence, the best way to prevent HIV infection is to use a condom. You've probably heard this message a thousand times, but that doesn't make it any less true, says Hutcherson. She advises couples to incorporate condoms into foreplay.

But what about married women and women who are planning to have children? Patricia Nalls, founder and executive director of the Women's Collective, a Washington, D.C., social-service organization that supports women living with and at risk for HIV, says that couples should only stop using condoms when they decide to have a baby. Then they should go and get tested together before engaging in unprotected sex. Nalls notes that many of the women who come to the Collective after finding out they're HIV-positive were infected by husbands or boyfriends. "Marriage will not protect you from AIDS," she emphasizes.

TALK THE TALK

It's vital that you and your partner can safely and comfortably discuss your sexual histories and sexual preferences. Hutcherson acknowledges that this can be a difficult conversation. "But it might save your life," she says. Still, Nalls warns that talking, by itself, is no guarantee you'll get the truth from a man. But as therapist and author of How to Love a Black Man Ronn Elmore, Psy.D., advises, we still have a responsibility to ourselves to keep alert. "If you see that your man considers the occasional 'little white lie' a harmless deception under certain circumstances," says Elmore, "there's a high possibility he'll not always be forthcoming with you either." But the only way to discover whether he's a truth teller or a liar is to talk, talk, talk.

TAKE TIME TO KNOW HIM

Dealing with a man who cheats means we may suffer much more than a broken heart, so we have to enter relationships wisely. DeShantra Moore, a counselor at the Women's Collective, advises sisters to "get to know your man's character--not only by looking at how he treats you, but noticing how he treats others as well. How does he regularly demonstrate that your happiness and health are a priority for him?" Write down what's acceptable in a relationship and what's not, and keep that list on hand at all times. "Often out of insecurity, women will begin to justify and make excuses for bad behavior," says Moore. If he's exhibiting behavior that makes you suspect he's untrustworthy--you're probably right.

DON'T ENTER A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU FEEL VULNERABLE

Feelings of vulnerability can impair our judgment, especially when it comes to choosing a lover. If you've recently been hurt by a failed romance, or if you're in the midst of a long, dry season, a new love may seem like an antidote to loneliness, Elmore offers. Everyone needs to be held and loved, but when your confidence has been shaken, your judgment may be clouded by neediness. You may ignore signs that a man is wrong for you. Advises Elmore: "Hold off on any new romance until you can ensure that your heart goes only where your head has already signed off."--ASHA BANDELE

PHOTOGRAPHY BY NILE

COPYRIGHT 2004 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group

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